Posted by: Cathi Brese Doebler | January 4, 2010

Only talking 4 minutes?

In a recent sermon series, our Pastor talked about 6 keys to a healthy marriage. The first key he mentioned was communication.

While he was giving the sermon, he mentioned a statistic that said that the average married couple spends 4 minutes a day in conversation. When you think about how important communication is for people to feel connected with each other, this statistic is scary. In a marriage, you need to feel a connection with your spouse.

Here are some simple ideas of ways to communicate and connect with your spouse:

  • Have dinner as a family regularly. At our house, we usually eat dinner together as a family about six days per week. This time is important for all of us. It gives the children time to share about their day, ask us questions (the questions are usually for Daddy), and learn table manners. It also gives my husband and I time to find out about everyone’s day, and share about our own day.
  • Have a set bedtime for your young children, and stick to it. This is important for your child, because a regular bedtime provides him or her with structure and is better for their physical health. To a marriage, though, a set bedtime for the kids means adult time for you and your spouse; time when you can talk without being interrupted by little ones, or without being distracted by your children and their need for attention.
  • When possible, talk during the workday. Some days might allow for you to send each other a quick email message, or make a phone call. You might even be able to meet for lunch. These small, daily communications can build your connection with each other.
  • On days off from work, do errands together or take drives together. If you do this as a family, it gives the kids time to talk to you. The car is a “contained” area where you are all together and not all off doing separate things. And errands with just your spouse can be a nice time to catch up with each other as well.
  • Turn off the competition. Don’t let the television or computer take over all of your free time. Turn the TV and computer off and spend time with your spouse instead.
  • Read parts of the bible or parenting books to each other and discuss what you read. The book of Proverbs has a lot of good advice for parents and spouses. In other posts I’ve mentioned some books on parenting that I’ve enjoyed as well.
  • Stop and hug anywhere in the house. You don’t have to wait to hug each other as you are leaving for work, or when you return home. These are wonderful times to hug, but they don’t have to be the only times. I have clear memories of my parents dancing around the kitchen in the middle of making dinner for us kids. I often hug my spouse spontaneously. It is a nice way to stop the busyness of the day for just a moment of time together.
  • Leave love notes for your spouse; in his lunch, on her mirror, in his book, on her pillow, etc. Say something different each time. Remind your spouse about what you love about him or her.
  • Keep your spouse company as they accomplish a task, or help them with the task if possible. Help dry the dishes that your spouse is washing. Help carry up the laundry that your spouse is folding. And if it is a task that you can not help with, just spend time together while your spouse does the task. Sometimes I go out to the garage as my husband is fixing something, just to hang out with him and keep him company.
  • Read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman together. Share which love languages are yours with your spouse.
  • Take time to hold hands with your spouse, even when it is only for a few moments, such as when you’re walking into a store. Even a few moments of this physical touch creates a connection.


  1. LOVE it Cathi!!! Can’t wait for the rest! 🙂

  2. So, I decided to have this up on my computer screen for my husband to read. While we were having dinner I asked him if he had a chance to read it? He said yes. I said wasn’t it wonderful?! I loved it! He told me that “all’s I can say is I am not going to dance around the kitchen! I don’t dance anywhere!” When asked if that’s all he got from that he said no and then explained it all to Emily and the importance of it. So there was our dinner conversation 🙂 On a side not he said that you know, I think that I can visualize the Brese’s dancing around their kitchen. And that’s okay for them 🙂

    • LOL!!!!

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